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I. A. 10. He changes circumstances (see I.A.1.), but does not change himself

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Reference Relevant Comments
De 23:6
1Sam 2:1-10
2Sam 16:12
Neh 13:3
Psa 30:11
Psa 62:3-10
Psa 107:33-35
Psa 113:7-9
Psa 114:8
Psa 126:4
Isa 10:17
Isa 42:16
Isa 50:2
Isa 51:3
Isa 57:14-16
Dan 2:21
Am 4:13
Am 5:8
Am 8:10

...but does not change himself

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Reference Relevant Comments
Ex 3:14-15
Num 23:19
Deut 31:6
Ps 102:27-28
Ecc 3:14-15
Isa 40:28
Mal 3:6
Rom 11:29
Heb 6:17-18
Jam 1:17
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Six — 21 December 2012, 12:59

Hi, reviewing step one this monnirg was such a comfort and good reminder of how alone and isolated i have become especially since I have been stuck in the insanity of my husbands addiction. I have been unable to share what has happened with anyone but God. He has shown me that I need others to help me through.My husband is physically and verbally abusive when he is on his drug of choice. He becomes belligerent, hurtful and blaming. I dont get any sleep when he is on a binge. He is up all night, loud and disrespectful. I try to sleep and just pray for calm. As these binges became more frequent over the past several months I realize that satan has truly entered our home that my husbands addiction is destroying everything not just our relationship but my faith and my inner being. It has robbed me of my joy and freedom that I know God has so faithfully given to me. He died for me and at one time, I can remember, no matter what the circumstance, I was able to to feel that power. Now I feel darkness and destruction, just as satan wants me to. The issue is that my own anger has gotten completely out of control. I feel bitter and rageful, ungodly and unable to connect with God and his wisdom. Just has my husbands disease has progressed, so has mine. He blames me for our relational issues and projects all of the problems drugs have brought into our lives on to me. im a bad wife im untrustworthy..im this and that. You get the idea. My life has become comepletelu unamanageable. The problem is I am starting to believe the lies my husband tells me..starting to believe that I am the problem and that I am not a good enough' wife. Im starting to believe the manipulation and lies he tells me the ones that satan has planted in his heart. Its gotten really messy..and to further complicate the issue, I dont feel I can confide in ANYONE. I work in drug and alcohol treatment as a therapist and I am hiding the fact that my husband is using drugs in our home and I cant seem to get up enough courage to leave him even to leave the situation. I just stay in it, forget all my tools and get more and more angry. So, I am living a life that is a complete SHAM. I havent shared how bad it is with another soul. Jesus knows and that has been my only outlet. Now He has promted me to come out of isolation and seek help for myself. I havent even told my therapist all that has happened. Icant quite figure out why? I guess it must be shame and another way for the devil to persecute me and keep me stuck. It feels good to share this for the first time. It feels so good and I am so grateful to have a place to share this. Yes, I have almost 8 years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol myself now my addiction is co-dependency. I worked a program for many years and was very involved in local overcomers with my own addiction. For some reason i just cant seem to get myself to meetings in order to work through this. Im praying for willingness to do make this a priority. Im at BOTTOM I am completely powerless over my husbands drug use and my life has become unmanageable. ONLY you, GOD has the power to restore me to sanity and I turn my will and my life over to you, Jesus. Hourly, daily I repeat these 3 steps to myself and I feel grateful that I have finally broke the silence. I am finally awknowleding what is happening and that I feel responsible for it. I admit it . Thank you so much for being there. Thank you God for the steps and for organizations like this one. Thank you to all who read this and for your prayers. Im going to try and come back on a regular basis. I found a meeting in my area on sat monnirgs. Going to try and get a sponsor and get the help I need- God please give me the willingness to seek you. God bless all especially those that are still suffering including my husband. In Him, I Surrender .

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Gerard — 11 October 2012, 04:22

Your inspirational quote for today!Do or do not there is no try. YodaConsider this if your finsih Zypheria's Call in the next two weeks you might have copies to sell at Balticon next month. (Besides Double Share hopefully!!!)Then you can start the final book so you can return to Ishmael's next saga. I personally think the final three volumes would do better with Ridan especially since it would mean the entire series would share a common illustrator and layout (something which a collector, as well as a reader of books, would definitely appreciate. (And I happen to love Michael's covers!)

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Eternity — 26 August 2011, 01:05

My hat is off to your asttue command over this topic-bravo!